Talksplosion Episode 35 “Whoops 3: The Whoopsing”
Hello, and Welcome to episode 35, LIVE BLOGGING EDITION. This week we are going to be doing things a little differently. I got the rare opportunity to sit in on the recording of today’s episode, so I thought it would be fun to note the recording instead of the episode, let’s watch:
0:01 The door to the plush leather recording room is closed, and oddly enough, locked, from the outside, at least three different times.
1:00 Jeremiah has brought a small rabbit to the recording, I am intrigued. Almost immediately Sam starts screaming with an intensity I’ve never seen in him before. This is not the right animal, I cannot fathom what creative purpose a small woodland animal would play in a Podcast, but I’m sure it’s to be inspiring.
3:00 the one hundred and twenty seconds of chastising on Sam’s part has scared the rabbit. It’s running around the room looking for an exit. Jeremiah, his vision blurred by Sam’s harsh words, is stumbling around after the little guy. Sam reaches into a desk and pulls out a large leather pouch of some kind; I wonder if this is where they keep the famous Talksplosion mics.
3:14 I was wrong, it’s not a microphone but a huge fucking knife. I think you need a permit to carry a blade that large.
3:16 Jeremiah has managed to catch the hasenpfeffer, and on bended knee, holds it up for Sam’s inspection. Only they know what a purpose a pre recording ritual like this serves, I want to stop them and ask the meaning of such obtuse actions, but I am like Jane Gooddall, and these are my gorillas in the mist.
4:00 I have vomited all over myself. I tell myself that it’s just the byproduct of the creation of art. You can’t make an omelet without ripping a bunny in half and devouring its heart while pouring the blood of a small creature forgotten by god over your co-hosts tear streamed face. I get my stomach under control, and clean the chunks of the Aqua dot bubble tea Jeremiah made me drink before being allowed to enter the “dungeon”, a clever name for the recording studio.
10:00 Jeremiah, tired of Sam’s rabbit blood bathing, (I must admit, it is surprising to learn that a animal that small contains enough blood to cover a man as large as Sam) procures a small glass pipe along with the scariest lighter I have ever seen, from his Laptop Bag. I’m pretty sure it’s a spot welder and not actually a lighter, but I’m just relieved that Jeremiah had the foresight to bring some pot, maybe he can get Sam to calm down and get to recording the show.
(At this time, Sam is marching around the room, naked, smearing himself with bunny blood, shouting in German, I think he’s quoting Mein Kampf)
10:15 I don’t remember Pot smelling like urine and baking sodaOhmy, Jeremiah has pulled a small film canister full of crack out of his laptop bag, and is already sucking down his 2nd rock.
11:45 Sam, the acrid smell of crack smoke finally pulling him out of his trance like state, strides over to Jeremiahs hunched form and with a wild scream, snatches the crack pipe out of Jeremiahs shaking hands, shoves a fist full of blood stained rock into the fragile looking too small bowl.
12:40 after lighting and inhaling this diamond of crack for nearly a minute, Sam lets out a great cloud of smoke, and with a glassy look in his eyes, stabs the computer with the giant knife I mentioned earlier. “Ok, let’s do this”
Finally, time to record the show, this is it, this is what I’ve been hoping to see.
13:00 my disappointment is palpable, instead of reaching for a microphone Jeremiah has instead pulled a Nerf hand cannon out of the desk, and carefully, almost as if he was handling a holy relic, begins to unload the rubber cup tipped foam darts and place them on the desk.
13:15 Sam picks up a single dart, and from a box labeled “L S FUCKING D” extracts a small vial of yellowish fluid. He carefully covers the tip of the darts suction cup with this fluid of questionable origin.
13:30 Sam hands the “poisoned” dart back to Jeremiah, who, with the upmost care, places it in one of the chambers.
14:00 you know, I’ve never seen a room that have bars on the inside of the windows before.
14:04 Jeremiah spins the chambers on the nerf execution device, and after pulling back the spring
mechanism, places the gun against his temple, and with a choked cry of “You are my holocaust” pulls the trigger.
14:04 *click*, Jeremiah is safe, for now.
14:15 I can feel the blood rushing through my veins as my heart beats wildly. Sam plays a round of this Russian roulette himself, not satisfied with the results, he plays 4 more times before growing frustrated and pointing the gun at me.
14:16 they say that urinating yourself is the best defense when confronted with a large crazed predator. This is not always the case, as I am sure that I pissed enough to drown a whale, but it couldn’t stop these two giants of the podcasting industry, bodies covered in blood and reeking of crack, from closing in on me.
16:00 the dart smacked my head with the force of a large spitball, I can still hear the impact reverberating in my ears. The wet splotch on my temple where the LSD was forced into my brain feels . . . purple.
15:45:13 I wake up, clothes missing, in an alley behind a Korean Restraint in Downtown Eugene, Oregon. I notice the boys have left a warning carved into my chest, it hurts to breathe, but I can make out their dire warning etched into my flesh
“Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus”
-riley “I really need a ride” scott
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
hey, thats not what happened!!!